is there a road out of here?

It's been one of those days. Ordinarily, I'm not one to quote lines from American movies, however, "I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind", is how I'm feeling today.

I sometimes wish that I could crawl out of my own head. I constantly analyse everything and panic that things are going to go wrong. Growing up with alcoholic parents, being on the street at 14 and an abusive and violent stepfather all wrapped up against a backdrop of middle class suburbia can do that to a girl I suppose. It's funny. Sort of.

When I first left home, I felt so streetwise. I moved in with a foreign exchange student from my school who lived with his brother, also an exchange student, who was attending University. It was the summer holidays, I was just about to turn 15 and I thought that I had the world under control. The brother's girlfriend,I'll call her Jane, a blonde of perhaps 21 or 22 took me under her wing and made sure that I ate properly and was okay.

A week or so later, I woke up to find Jane screaming on the driveway. Her boyfriend had beat her and she was dragging her stuff to her car. She grabbed me and off we went in her red convertible sports car. She rented a two bedroom serviced apartment in the City and told me that I should stay with her until I was on my feet. On one condition, I would need to be out during the evening as she would be working from home. That posed no problem to me. It was summer, I'd discovered the joys of passionpop and had appropriated a fake id. Unfortunately, after a particularly heavy evening on vodka, I managed to drink just enough to give me alcohol poisoning. There would be no going out for me for a few days. In fact I could barely manage to leave my room. Late in the evening, I craved water and stumbled out toward teh kitchen. Standing there, in the middle of the hall were two men and Jane. Naked.

She was a prostitute and I had absolutely no idea, I was so naive. I grew up quite a lot that day. (Not in the participation sense of learning I might add).

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for myself. I've gone to university, travelled and have wonderful friends. However, sometimes I wonder just how far I've really come. 90% of the time I'm fine. More than fine even. But there is still that 10% where I feel scared that I'll never be able to let go of all the bullshit.

Tomorrow's a new day and I'm sure I'll feel much better. Getting it out of my head and on to paper is has helped a little already.

on a lighter note...

3 things I'm loving this week:

1. Dim Sum. Always loved it, but craving it at the moment.
2. Apple Cider. In a pint glass stacked with ice.
3. Cherry Blossoms. After an afternoon spent with my book under the falling flowers. Even better was when the local wino walked through the park picked up a handful of fallen flowers and threw them in the air over his head. He turned to me and said; "Isn't it beautiful?".

Yep. It is.

the fabulous briscombe girls...

It's funny. Ever since I started blogging I've begun to think a lot about my past and where I'm from. Perhaps, due to the fact that my sister read my diary when I was 11, and I swore that I would never commit to writing my thoughts again, I want to now create some record of the people, places, events and third hand tales that have shaped me over the years.

One of the biggest insipirations of my life has been my grandmother. Throughout her life (and even after she died) she remains the one anchor in my life. She had a pretty tough life in a lot of ways. The youngest of 5 girls and the daugther of a beautiful raven haired Irish women by the name of Olive and an incredibly bright, charming, extremely religous and more than a little eccentric man, Everett.

Olive and Everett had fallen in love at a young age and quickly settled down to marriage and children. Everett had trained as a priest before deciding on a life in the law and whisky in the evening. As was the case amongst many Catholic families the children arrived quickly and consistently. Leading up to the depression, my great grandfather fell deeper and deeper in to the solace of drink and the company of colleagues leaving the young Olive at home with 5 girls under the age of 8. When she annouced in early 1926 that she was expecting her 6th child, Everett was livid. He made it clear that this was not welcome news and he held her personally responsible. A month later Olive died of septecimia as a result of a backyard abortion. She was 31.

The five remaining girls were separated and spread amongst various family members. My grandmother was sent to live with her Aunt and Grandmother in Mosman where they owned a milkbar. Everett would visit perhaps once a year and my grandmother would not know her sisters until she was much older. The love of her grandmother and aunt allowed her to grow up in to an amazingly strong women and she went on to marry my granfather who adored her until the day he died.

My grandmother gives me the strength to believe that I can be anything I want to be. I was born on 20th December 1978. She was born on the 18th December 1925. Every year on her birthday she told me that I was the best late birtday present that she ever got. I hope that I remembered to tell her that she was the best present that I could ever have hoped for. Despite the difficulties with my parents, she gave me enough love for a whole lifetime. I love you, Ruthie.

gamble everything for love...

Well, after a number of weeks without an internet connection, I am now back online. I have previously mused over the idea of connectivity as a staple to one's existence but I truly had no idea how reliant I was until I went without. I am so used to checking my emails, myspace, ebay, doing my research and getting my dinner recipes that I almost thought I might need a rehabilition clinic to get over my reliance on this, the new drug of the masses. Luckily, service was restored before this course of action became necessary.

Truthfully, not too much has changed over the last few weeks. My battle with the Home Office continues to progress albeit at a snails pace, M and I have had some really nice time hanging out and my frustration at not being able to work increases by the day. I have to try and remain upbeat, as I'm sure it will sorted out sooner rather than later.

I guess that coming from quite a colourful past and shambolic upbringing, I always promised myself that I would be able to support myself, rely on nobody and achieve enough so that I could be proud of what I've done. Not being able to do work makes me feel that I am not anywhere near doing any of those 3 things. Then, I start to wonder whether I am being naive sacrificing all of this for the sake of being with the man I love. Am I just setting myself up for a fall and wasting good time in the process? I guess, no matter what the outcome, I can say that I followed Mr Ben Lee's directions and gambled everything for love.

How cheesy. I told you I was a romantic.

french knickers and fancy food

The sun is shining, the leaves are starting to blossom on the trees and I feel so relaxed that even the fact I'm currently broke does little to dampen my mood.

All of my life, I've always been able to earn my own money and spend it as frivolously as i desired. So from this experience of brokedom I'm taking a real lesson. I don't need money to be happy, I have fun, explore and create with limited funds, so when I am once again able to work, I should be able to use my money much more wisely. I'd have payed off a mortgage by now had I learnt all this ten years ago!

Although, I do know the first thing I'll be buying apart from the gorgeous necklace and brooch from Julia's delectable store, and that will be these babies:





They are absolute burlesque deliciousness, and, best of all, hand made by the Hackney based and aptly named Buttress & Snatch.

On to food. I have to admit that I wasn't a huge Neneh Cherry fan in the eighties, but after seeing the new BBC cooking show last night Neneh & Andi: Dish it Up. The food was divine. They were putting on a feast for their 12 closest girlfriends and the menu was a world food take on a tapas style feast. Included in the menu was: Swedish Style Brownies, Crispy Duck Salad, Wasabi Avocado and Prawn & Squid Ceviche. The recipes and background on the show can be found here.

The law of something (gravity, hormones, who knows) suggests that what goes up, must come down, and my bouncing off the walls and zen state will undoubtedly be interupted at some point. But, I'm tired of worrying about what will go wrong, and when. Life's short and right now, I'm a happy girl.

friends..

My last few days have been filled with the company of my beautiful girlfriends. Whenever I become fraught in dealing with the realities of my less than conventional family unit, they are always there with words of encouragement, a hug and unwavering support.

Without them I'd be completely lost. So what do you do if you're feeling alone and wishing that things could just be a little normal? Pose for the camera and then on to lunch.

my grandparents